How I learned to stop being a tattletale

I once read in a book on palmistry that a person whose hands cannot lie completely flat on a surface without flexing their fingers is a sign of infidelity. I couldn’t lay my hands flat at the time and it bothered me. I refused to see myself like this, even though I found it extremely difficult to keep a secret inside. Instead of pledging myself not to be sweetheart, I pledged to work on straightening my fingers through yoga practice. I didn’t want to be perceived as a babbler. It was my goal that people would not think of me that way when I was otherwise seen as an extremely loyal and supportive friend. I wanted to fix the external problem rather than the internal problem.

I’ve always been someone other people tell their life stories or confessions to. Whether friends or strangers, people have always held me as a listener. I am an empath and I feel what other people are feeling even before they even notice it sometimes. While this can be considered a gift, it also made it difficult for me to hold onto other people’s things. Your secrets about mine can feel overwhelming and suffocating. And when it gets too much, it’s like I have this compulsion to share the secret with someone else so I don’t feel the pressure to carry it all alone.

While it is helpful to say what I have been carrying around inside, I now also see that it is not my job to share what I have been told with confidence. Sharing what I thought other people deserved to hear or to participate in gossip has put me in compromising situations and ruined some of my friendships. While I want people to let go of the shame of their secrets, I understand that they want a private life and don’t want many people to know their personal information as well. All I’ve ever wanted in life is a deep connection with people and I want that feeling to be reciprocated.

Here I am going to share some advice that has helped me recover and improve from my relationship with people.

1. Keep your world small

Not everyone is for you. Not everyone will like you. And that’s fine. Stop caring so much about how other people perceive you. Quality over quantity is paramount when it comes to your support system.

2. Don’t follow everyone you ever meet on social media

Sometimes I wish there were tighter boundaries between work and private life. Social media is blurring these boundaries. There’s no need to take friend requests from people you don’t even like. It is not mandatory to follow every single one of your employees on social media. You never know exactly what a person is going through, and not everyone deserves to know what is going on in their personal life. I learned the hard way about the consequences of sharing too much online. I am of the generation that grew up with the birth of social media so I have everything I have ever known to share my life online. But as I got older I realized that I didn’t want to do that anymore. Nowadays I want to live my life off-screen out loud. I want to reserve information about my private life for the people who show up for me and who invest in me and my future.

3. Practice what you preach

People who all talk can be frustrating. If you want to be reliable, then you have it! Trusting someone and later finding out they are a two-faced sneak is the ultimate betrayal. This can be avoided by showing people that you are an honest person by keeping your word.

4. Focus on yourself

You are the only person who will be there for you all your life. Rely on yourself. Develop a practice of self-love. Take responsibility for your actions. Do not make other people’s problems and drama your own. When you learn to trust yourself, you can prove to other people that you are trustworthy and loyal. Would you be friends with you The answer should be a resounding yes.

5. Find a sales point

Instead of gossiping and possibly hurting the person whose secret you are supposed to keep secret, find a way to free your channel of the burden. If you need to discuss this, speak to a therapist or someone who doesn’t know that person. Express your feelings of overwhelm in a healthy way. Diary. Meditate or practice yoga. Cooking or baking. Play a musical instrument. I find tasks that use my hands helpful to me.

6. Set limits

If keeping secrets to yourself is too much for you, remember that you can always say no. Hold your point and speak. Give yourself permission to ask for space if you’re not ready to take over your personal information. Practice keeping your distance, which means stepping back, stepping into your body and not taking over other people’s emotions. Knowing your limits is valid.

After the daily yoga practice, in which I lay my palms on the mat a lot, I am proud to say that I no longer have bent fingers. I stretched out my hands to her fullest expression. But that’s not that important to me. It was always more important to admit that I was sloppy and to change that quality. Keeping secrets to myself is still a daily struggle, but like yoga, it is a lifelong practice and I am grateful for the opportunity to change.